IEP Meeting Support for Domestic Violence Survivors Co-Parenting with Their Abuser

The author of this article is a non-attorney advocate. Therefore, the contents in its entirety, should not be construed as legal advice, but rather the opinion of the author. Always seek legal advice from a qualified attorney.

Navigating your child’s IEP process is rarely simple—but for domestic violence survivors who are still co-parenting with their abuser, it can be overwhelming, retraumatizing, and often unsafe. Many survivors are in the difficult position of continuing to share legal custody of their child, without a court finding under Family Code § 3044 or a finalized Domestic Violence Restraining Order (DVRO). Unfortunately, getting these protections in place can take months—or even years—and during that time, your child’s special education needs don’t pause.

This post recognizes the complex reality that many survivors face: you’re still showing up for your child, attending school meetings, and making educational decisions alongside the person who harmed you. These four tips are grounded in federal and California law and are meant to help you participate safely and confidently in IEP meetings—even while you navigate the family court system.

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1. You Have the Right to Bring a Support Person

You are legally entitled to bring someone with you to your child’s IEP meeting—no matter what the school or the other parent says. Whether it's a special education advocate, a family member, or someone with personal or professional expertise about your child, IDEA Section 1414(d)(1)(B)(iv) gives you the right to invite “individuals who have knowledge or special expertise regarding the child.” The presence of a support person can help you feel safer and more empowered during what can otherwise be a high-conflict situation.

2. You Have the Right to Record the Meeting

In California, Education Code § 56341.1(g)(1) gives you the absolute right to audio record your child’s IEP meeting. All you need to do is notify the team at least 24 hours in advance. Neither the school nor the co-parent can deny this request. For survivors, having a recording can provide protection, accountability, and peace of mind—especially if meetings become contentious, or if the abusive parent attempts to gaslight or misrepresent what occurred.

3. You Have the Right to Attend Virtually

If you don’t feel safe being in the same room as the other parent—or if doing so would affect your ability to participate meaningfully—you can request to attend the IEP meeting remotely (via Zoom or phone). Under 34 CFR § 300.322(a)(2), schools must ensure parents have the opportunity to participate and must schedule meetings at a mutually agreed upon time and place. Attending virtually is a reasonable request and a helpful safety accommodation for many survivors.

4. Make Sure the School Has Your Custody Orders

Always ensure the school has a current copy of your custody orders, even if you’re still in the early stages of a DV case. This helps the IEP team understand who holds educational rights and whether both parents need to consent to IEP changes. If you have sole legal custody, only your signature is required. If you share joint legal, both signatures are required before the school can move forward. Don’t assume the school knows—provide them with a copy and clarify any legal limitations.

No survivor should have to choose between personal safety and showing up for their child. While the legal system can be slow and imperfect, you still have rights—and there are ways to protect your well-being while advocating for your child’s education.

If you're navigating this complicated terrain, you're not alone. Consider working with a special education advocate who understands both IEP law and the realities of co-parenting with an abuser. You can still be the strong, informed voice your child needs—safely and effectively.

If you're looking for a deeper understanding of your rights, our Divorce and Special Education Advocacy Guidebook offers a step-by-step walkthrough to help you navigate both systems with clarity and confidence.

Special Education Advocacy and Divorce

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